THE 12 COMMANDMENTS

Here are the 12 attributes you will find a in every elite professional music aficionado and if you find yourself miss out even one, it means you are not cut to be one!

1. Most basic rule of all, you must own a minimum of 500 records to show that you are really serious about music.
2. You are still single! And you constantly need to watch High Fidelity once every 3 months to comfort yourself that there is someone out there for you and one day, you will be able to find love.
3. You don’t know how to play a single music instrument (it is a known that no music critics know how). Those that do, and usually it’s the guitar, act as if they are so fucking cool with a guitar while girls drool over them but their music knowledge is so fucking shallow. Usually they cite one of the following as their direct or major influences: Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain or Steve Vai. Do they know even heard of Ry Cooder or Taj Mahal? Both are regarded as the finest and most eclectic American guitarists ever to wield a pick.
4. Serious music appreciators do not talk or discuss with just anybody about music, they will find out first if the person is worthy or not. Those people who like to open their mouths and yap away about music once they got the slightest hint that you are into music too, the so called music lovers, acting all proudly about their music insights, fit the term empty vessels perfectly. These are also the same people who probably know how to play the guitar. Worst of all, they don’t realize the elitists are keeping quiet, letting them carry on with the show and smile with their teeth visible is actually an act of mockery.
5. You worked in a record store before and no customers had ever came in that you knew for a fact that had a more superior music knowledge than you, or that was at least what you thought!
6. You own a minimum of 5 from the following footwear:
   1. Boots – Clarks, Dr. Martens or Red Wing
   2. Sandals – Birkenstock or Clarks. No surf or sports brand and Crocs
   3. Sneakers – Converse (All Star), Adidas (preferably Stan Smith, definitely not Superstar), Fred Perry, Lacoste
7. Attire. Very particular about the width of the bottom of your pants or jeans, must never be more than 16 inches. Only wear polo-Ts by Fred Perry and Lacoste and never pull the collar up. Have a Ben Sherman shirt, short or long sleeve. Rock T-shirts are essentials.
8. You once had an email account which was provided by NME.
9. There are some people out there who think they are so much better than most people because they watch foreign films and piss on Hollywood films. It must be duly noted that here, there is a difference between foreign films and art-house films and the elitists only watch art-house productions. To you, foreign films are no different from Hollywood films, except maybe for the dumb blondes with big tits you can always see in the latter.
10. Books. No self-help books, too proud for it. No love stories, no love life to comprehend it to begin with. No suspense, crime, thriller, horror or anything around that line, you are so fucking intelligent that you know who the perpetrator is after the first chapter. Biographies, yes, but only musicians you admire.
11. You like to make mix tapes or CDs to the ones you are interested romantically.
12. You already have a set of questionnaires about music and film prepared to be given out to hopeful prospects of the opposite sex.