Author Archive


23 November 2007

Here are the 12 attributes you will find a in every elite professional music aficionado and if you find yourself miss out even one, it means you are not cut to be one!

  1. Most basic rule of all, you must own a minimum of 500 records to show that you are really serious about music.
  2. You are still single! And you constantly need to watch High Fidelity once every 3 months to comfort yourself that there is someone out there for you and one day, you will be able to find love.
  3. You don’t know how to play a single music instrument (it is a known that no music critics know how). Those that do, and usually it’s the guitar, act as if they are so fucking cool with a guitar while girls drool over them but their music knowledge is so fucking shallow. Usually they cite one of the following as their direct or major influences: Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain or Steve Vai. Do they know even heard of Ry Cooder or Taj Mahal? Both are regarded as the finest and most eclectic American guitarists ever to wield a pick.
  4. Serious music appreciators do not talk or discuss with just anybody about music, they will find out first if the person is worthy or not. Those people who like to open their mouths and yap away about music once they got the slightest hint that you are into music too, the so called music lovers, acting all proudly about their music insights, fit the term empty vessels perfectly. These are also the same people who probably know how to play the guitar. Worst of all, they don’t realize the elitists are keeping quiet, letting them carry on with the show and smile with their teeth visible is actually an act of mockery.
  5. You worked in a record store before and no customers had ever came in that you knew for a fact that had a more superior music knowledge than you, or that was at least what you thought!
  6. You own a minimum of 5 from the following footwear:
    1. Boots – Clarks, Dr. Martens or Red Wing
    2. Sandals – Birkenstock or Clarks. No surf or sports brand and Crocs
    3. Sneakers – Converse (All Star), Adidas (preferably Stan Smith, definitely not Superstar), Fred Perry, Lacoste
  7. Attire. Very particular about the width of the bottom of your pants or jeans, must never be more than 16 inches. Only wear polo-Ts by Fred Perry and Lacoste and never pull the collar up. Have a Ben Sherman shirt, short or long sleeve. Rock T-shirts are essentials.
  8. You once had an email account which was provided by NME.
  9. There are some people out there who think they are so much better than most people because they watch foreign films and piss on Hollywood films. It must be duly noted that here, there is a difference between foreign films and art-house films and the elitists only watch art-house productions. To you, foreign films are no different from Hollywood films, except maybe for the dumb blondes with big tits you can always see in the latter.
  10. Books. No self-help books, too proud for it. No love stories, no love life to comprehend it to begin with. No suspense, crime, thriller, horror or anything around that line, you are so fucking intelligent that you know who the perpetrator is after the first chapter. Biographies, yes, but only musicians you admire.
  11. You like to make mix tapes or CDs to the ones you are interested romantically.
  12. You already have a set of questionnaires about music and film prepared to be given out to hopeful prospects of the opposite sex.


24 October 2007

The greatest mistake a professional music appreciator makes, despite all his intellectual bearings, is to find a partner in life who shares the same unrivaled passion for music. You just can’t have two psychos in a relationship! One is to balance the other. But of course I am not asking you to go out there to get a woman who makes stupefying remarks as frequent as people being gunned down in the Middle East. It is common knowledge that there is a certain minimum intelligence required to make anything work and that includes relationship. Furthermore, it is worse than finding a needle in the haystack when one is looking for a woman who lists “Flowers of Shanghai” as one of her Top 5 movies and truly understands that you can’t afford to get her a birthday and Christmas present this year after buying the special, limited 3CD 40th anniversary deluxe edition of Pink Floyd’s “The Piper At The Gates of Dawn” although you already own all the songs in this newly released reissue and you are just buying it to fulfill your uncontrollable urge to own part of the history of rock ‘n’ roll!

It is every music elitist’s dream to be able to customize the woman he wants for a partner like making a mix tape for his car stereo down to the very detail of which band to like and dislike. It is because he wouldn’t want his girl to embarrass him in front of his friends by saying she likes Smashing Pumpkins when his friends know for a fact that he despise the most overrated American band from the alternative era to the bone. This will cause a stand off that makes the long going Israel-Palestine butchering of each other looks dandy and flowery. There is nothing worse in this universe and I repeat nothing worse, than to challenge an elitist’s knowledge by liking the bands that he hates because in his ears a piece of music is either good or not good, there is no such thing as preference. Preference is for weak indecisive people who take more than a second to decide whether to have milk in their tea every morning!

Before I continue, it must be noted that we can never find a woman, no matter how much she says she loves music, whose goal to have a pair of shoe for every piece of her wardrobe rates lower than the humanitarian work that have been putting in to try to wipe out poverty in this world. We have our Jimmy Page, they simply must have their Jimmy Choo!

From my past failed experiences, I have learned that there is no point pushing or educating your significant other to appreciate the significance of The Kinks‘ guitar riff on “You Really Got Me“, Joe Meek‘s maverick style of recording, The Velvet Underground‘s soundscape in “Sister Ray” and what’s not. In the end it is going to drive her away because she will feel like a failure for being unable to comprehend you and your music. How many years did you take to reach the status of being a snobbish elitist and you think you can cramp in all that in just a mere 3 years with her? Just like success, there is no shortcut in being a professional music appreciator. And if she is doing it because she loves you and not music, she already had her feet wrong in the first place. After all being said and done, it just goes to strengthen the idiom that “you don’t choose the music, the music chooses you”. You can force her to love your family but not rock ‘n’ roll, the devil’s music is divine and sacred!

I understand that every time we meet someone we are just like in a crossroad, to compromise on our stand or just out rightly discard her away because she went berserk when the DJ in the club was playing Bon Jovi‘s “It’s My Life“. From a man’s point of view I would advise you to make her drunk that night, take her home, pin her down on the floor and take her like a slut! But as your fellow music appreciator comrade my advice is, since your big head get to absorb all the intellectuals from Salman Rushdie, Stanley Kubrick and Devendra Banhart, I think you should do your smaller head a little bit more justice and fuck something more intelligent! A female Border Collie perhaps? It is still a bitch though. I am just kidding. Anyway, my take whenever I was in this crossroad was to ask myself if she is worth the compromise I was about to sacrifice and most importantly, don’t think of this question after 5 pints of Guinness or whatever your alcohol tolerance may be, your smaller head will be doing all the thinking that time.

A few years ago I would had said no woman is worth to drown your beliefs for. But as age is catching up which might had caused me to mellow down, I only have this to say… “FOOK LOVE! WITH 500 RECORDS NOW, I HAVE TO BE SERIOUS ABOUT MUSIC! I GOT NO FRIGGIN’ TIME FOR NO FRIGGIN’ WOMAN! YEAH! FOOK LOVE AGAIN! ROCK ‘N’ ROLL RULES!”